Romantic Relating

Romantic Relating

In this second stage, couples begin to test out the idea of themselves as a unit. Dating is no longer brand new. It is more comfortable and predictable. Sharing romantic dinners and exciting special interests are typical dates during this new and fun time in a growing relationship.

During this stage, flowers are given for no special reason and loving cards are slipped back and forth with words like "thinking of you". It's a happy carefree time, when lovers tend to idealize, romanticize and overlook that which can be right in front of them. The relationship seems effortless and spontaneous. Affection is shared openly and frequently. One's partner seems perfect. There is rarely conflict during this period. The partners often share the unrealistic belief that their relationship is so special and unique that it will always stay this way.

This stage can last from three or four months up to more than a year. It is actually the shortest stage that any long-term relationship goes through. It is also the one we wish we could hold on to forever and long for when it is gone. This is the stage that love poems speak about. It is also believed (falsely) by many that this is what long-term committed love will always be like.

Many relationships begin to stumble at the end of this period. For that is when reality begins to set in. As partners begin to experience some disagreement, conflict and/or shared challenges- the relationship shifts as do the dynamics between the partners.

Though many relationships move past this stage, a number do not. Why? There are many reasons. These can include:

• lack of readiness for the challenges of the next stage
• issues with commitment and fidelity
• immature beliefs about what relationships should be
• being stuck on an idealized, romanticized notion of love

If one of the partners is not ready for a less than perfect and more demanding stage of love, they will exhibit this in their behavior, language and overall level of openness and availability towards the other.

This is when the couple begins to think more seriously of a future with each other. The focus tends to be; how well do we get along, do we share similar interests and do I want to date this person exclusively?

Growth through Negotiation

This is a very challenging and growing time in all relationship building. Reality comes into play as the couple settles into the comfort and predictability of their togetherness. Little issues can become blown-up into large conflicts. The individuals begin to compete for their share of control and their place in this growing union. Differences can become highlighted instead of minimized.

This is often the period when couples experience their first fight. Hurt feelings can occur as that once loving and completely accepting other person airs a criticism or voices annoyance or concern. Often, the individuals believe it is the other person who needs to change.

This is where the need for (or lack of) communication, problem-solving and negotiating skills becomes apparent. For without an adequate measure of these, disagreements can break down into screaming matches where insults and recriminations are fired like missiles.

If the individuals can listen, be supportive of each other's feelings, compromise and not lay blame, they have a good chance of working through this stage and achieving a true intimacy. This does not mean they will share all the same beliefs and opinions or that they will necessarily even like the other's view. However, having and showing respect is a cornerstone of a healthy relationship.

Not only will relationships fail without these relationship-building strengths, they can also abruptly end if one of the partners decides that they don't feel the same way about this person in their less than idealized state. The reality may not be to their liking or just something they are not ready for in general. Either way, they will pull back, present differently or disappear without warning. How they handle their changing feelings is further information about their level of relationship readiness and maturity in general.

Relationship Being

You’re Relationships Begin with You

My mid-twenties, I find myself consciously and unconsciously thinking about and searching for that special someone. My goal has always been to be friends with my future wife for at least a year, date for a year, engaged for a year, which includes being married by the time I'm thirty.

This goal may seem far-fetched and I admit it is, so I'm open to altering it. I know what I want in a future spouse (I think) and I definitely know what I don't want. But the older I get, the more I realize that the challenge to find someone who fits what I want and what I don't want seems like "mission: impossible." My impatience steps in which seems to prolong my wait to meet this future wife of mine.

Occasionally, I reflect on the thought that she is out there somewhere so I wonder what she is doing at that very moment and if she is thinking of me. As much as I am actively trying to find someone, I'm reminded by my friends how they found their special someone when they were least expecting to. I have to remind myself and know that God will introduce me to her and reveal who she is when we are both ready.

So does that mean I'm not ready? I think I am, but at times I have my doubts. Maybe she isn't ready, which could mean that she is doing something to better herself for our relationship. I'll always go back to the question of if I'm ready or not. How will I know? I believe the answer lies in how I respond to the following questions:

I ask myself if I'm financially ready. Who is? I graduated college a couple of years ago and have already gone through two career changes and I have been laid off. Needless to say, my checkbook is nowhere near where I want it to be, I won't even mention credit cards. So I need to think more about saving for my future, buying a house, and paying off some bills. After all, I don't want to drag her into my debt and spending habits. I know that I need to better myself in regards to finances.

I ask myself, am I physically fit and attractive? The honest answer is that I'm not in as good of shape as I'd like to be and beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I know I need to join a gym, look online for articles about cooking healthier for bachelors, and watch how many times I go out to eat. What is a better motivator to working out besides looking good for yourself and gaining that confidence, than wanting to look good for your significant other? After all, I hope my wife is attracted to me as I am to her.

I ask myself, am I smart? With a college degree I think so, until I watch shows like Jeopardy or play board games with friends and I realize that I still have a lot to learn. I am thinking of going back to school. After all, I want my wife to think I'm intelligent.

I ask myself if I'm in the spiritual place with God that I want to be. Do I attend church every week? Do I read the Bible each day? Am I asking more from God than I am thanking Him during prayer? Am I a good example for others and am I teaching them about God? After all, I hope my future wife and I can pray together and maybe take a leadership role in a youth group.

I ask myself, am I happy as an individual? A relationship can bring happiness and fill the void of being alone, but should I put that burden on my future wife? If you are comfortable being yourself, being happy alone and don't need someone, that is a step in the right direction. I believe that needing someone to fill a void and wanting someone to fill a void are two entirely different things. This is why your relationships begin with you. After all, if you don't love yourself, then how do you expect someone else to?

"Happiness depends upon ourselves” - Aristotle

When you fulfill the above aspects of your life to an acceptable extent - then watch out, your future spouse may just be at the local bookstore, in the gym, at church, at work, at school, or at the bank. I don't expect to be able to accomplish each of these things in the next four years, but I will always strive to do so. After all, I hope she will always strive to do the same. And most of all, I hope we will continue to strive to do these things together!

Attraction

Probably.

This sudden change in a couple's relationship is reported quite a bit by individuals who have just broken up with a significant other. Unfortunately, it leaves the person who has been "dumped" with feelings of low self-esteem, regret, inadequacy and anger.

There is often no real closure, as the couple is never able (willing) to talk through what went wrong or was never right with their relationship.

So, how can you know what the problem was and hope to avoid a repeat of this hurtful experience? You can do this by examining your failed relationship and gaining insight and understanding about what just wasn't right between you.

In order to assist you with this; I am providing a basic framework of the relationship stages a couple must pass through TOGETHER in order to get to a place of shared intimacy and commitment. If either person's feelings change before, during or after one of these stages; it is not necessarily the "fault" of the other individual. It is simply a statement about the individuals' rightness (or not) for each other. It is also a reflection of each individual's relationship readiness and ability to handle long-term, committed intimacy.

How an individual handles their changing feelings and resultant behavior toward the other is a subject for another article.

Relationships have stages. We have all read articles and books by authors who have come up with their own unique number or names for these. I will try to take a very basic approach to this and keep it simple and as universal as possible.

Attraction

This is the first stage. It is physical, intellectual and emotional - on a very surface level. Girl sees boy and vice versa. They flirt, talk and get a very basic sense of the other. They are usually responding to a physical pull. He/she is cute, funny, charming, interesting to talk to, etc.

Without attraction, first dates wouldn't happen. It can therefore be assumed that the other person finds us attractive if we have gotten to a first date.

In a way, this is the easy one. We are unknowns to each other. Things progress from this point or they do not. Hurt feelings are minimal. We usually chalk up rejection to; "I'm not his type". There is no need to analyze or wonder what went wrong.

If both people feel a strong enough level of attraction continues to exist after a few dates, they usually move along to stage two. However, if one finds the other has unattractive characteristics or behaviors, this can lead to an abrupt change in the relationship.

Remember, these behaviors or characteristics would be ones that would manifest in the very early stage of dating. Some examples: frequently late, never offers to pay, dresses or grooms sloppily, rude to waitress, etc.

Romance

How to Increase Romance with Humor

Ask any single adult what qualities he or she wants in a spouse or partner, and one of the first answers is always "a sense of humor." Yet relationships and most marriages easily lose the early excitement after living together for several years.

Qualities he or she wants in a spouse or partner, and one of the first answers is always "a sense of humor." Yet relationships and most marriages easily lose the early excitement after living together for several years.

Healthy relationships require laughter. Sex is better; everything is better sprinkled with laughter, be it a chuckle, a belly laugh, or an amused smile.

Humor also motivates better results without resentment. For example, instead of nagging your loved one for leaving dirty clothes on the floor or dishes in the sink, write a silly poem and stick it on the bathroom mirror.

Follow one important ground rule: humor should never belittle another person or be at the other person's expense. Here are a few ideas of how to inject more humor into the special relationship you want to last forever.

• Ask your spouse to post a list of outrageous birthday wishes.
• Use travel time on trips to recall fun/ funny incidents about your lives together.
• Create awards (or improvise a medal on a fancy ribbon) to present when the spouse overcomes a touch challenge.
• Select each other's underwear!
• Together, list the people who make you both laugh the most, and see them more often. Do the same with movies.
• Go to lunch and exchange lists of small, daily pleasures.
• Give each other small or silly treats.
• Create a list of offbeat occasions for giving silly treats.
• Go away for a weekend. Explore.
• Take on volunteer opportunities together. Try it once, at least.
• Go where others are having fun.
• Select perfume or cologne for each other? (pick one for your sweetheart that drives YOU crazy!)
• Identify your favorite, edible treats from your childhood then center a date on eating it.
• Create a scavenger hunt for each other? Hiding clues with a present at the end. Photograph the process.
• Go bowling or play putt-putt golf, and whisper sexy secrets in the middle of the game.
• Practice giving each other very specific compliments on acts of love or service.
• Schedule dates in bookstores. Share with each other what delights you. End with a dessert or ice cream.
• Flirt with each other at parties or other social events. Make eye contact, and compliment each other publicly.
• Order take out and announce a "feed each other" meal. No cheating.
• Schedule dates at the fair, circus, zoo, or theme park. Do this at least once a year. Be sure to eat some junk food from your childhood while you are there.
• Have a caricature drawn of the two of you?
• Dress up in costumes and take pictures? Even if it's just headgear. Make a scrapbook of these.
• Look at each other's high school annual together? Or family album.

Partner

Can I Get My Partner To Change?

How much energy do you spend trying to get what you want from your partner? Think about it for a moment - how much of your thinking time is spent on what to say to your partner to get him or her to be the way you want him or her to be? Many of us spend a lot of time thinking about how to get what we want from our partner - how to get our partner to open up, be more caring, see us, love us, pay attention to us, spend time with us, have sex with us, and so on. We spend at lot of energy trying to get what we want from our partner because we believe that if only we do it right - behave right or say the right thing - we can have control over getting our partner to change.

Spend trying to get what you want from your partner? Think about it for a moment - how much of your thinking time is spent on what to say to your partner to get him or her to be the way you want him or her to be?

Many of us spend a lot of time thinking about how to get what we want from our partner - how to get our partner to open up, be more caring, see us, love us, pay attention to us, spend time with us, have sex with us, and so on. We spend at lot of energy trying to get what we want from our partner because we believe that if only we do it right - behave right or say the right thing - we can have control over getting our partner to change. This illusion of having control over getting another to change keeps us stuck in behavior that not only does not work to get us what we want, but drains us of the energy we could be using to learn to take loving care of ourselves.

It is very hard to accept that we can't "get" others to do what we want them to do, even if it would be good for them and for the relationship. In my counseling work with people, I frequently hear:

• How can I get my husband to read your books?
• How can I get my wife to be more sexual?
• How can I get my husband away from the TV to spend time with me?
• How can I get my wife to be on time?
• How can I get my husband to talk with me about our problems?
• How can I get my wife to spend less money and write the checks into the checkbook?
• How can I get my husband to clean up after himself?
• How can I get my wife to stop being angry?
• How can I get my husband to stop blaming me for everything?
• Everyone wants to know, "How to get my partner to change?" The truth is, you can't.

What you can do is take your eyes off your partner and put them on yourself. You have total control to change yourself, and no control to change your partner. The question you need to be asking yourself is, "What do I need to do for my own well-being if my partner doesn't change?"

Do I need to stop reacting to my partner with compliance, resistance, withdrawal, blame, lectures, explanations, nagging or anger?

These protective, controlling ways of responding to conflict will always exacerbate the conflict and make us feel badly within. The wounded part of us believes we can get love and avoid pain with these protective behaviors, but in reality it is often these behaviors that are actually causing our own pain. None of these behaviors love to ourselves, nor are we taking personal responsibility for our own feelings and well-being when we behave in these controlling ways.

In what ways do I need to be more loving, caring, understanding and attentive to myself - to my own feelings?"

Often we project onto our partner the inner unhappiness that results from not taking loving care of ourselves. Instead of trying to get our partner to me more loving, open and attentive, we need to focus on being open, loving, kind and attentive with ourselves and with our partner.

Do I need to take specific action, such as changing the way we handle money, or the way we deal with getting places on time? How can I take care of myself in these kinds of conflicts so that I don't feel like a victim?

Anytime we blame another for our unhappiness, we are being a victim. Moving out of being a victim means taking loving action for ourselves so we are no longer frustrated with the situation.

Do I need to be willing to explore with my partner the underlying reasons for a lack of intimacy or sexuality? Am I willing to be open to learning with my partner, or am I stuck in just trying to control?

Opening to learning with your partner can be magical regarding creating intimacy and resolving conflict. While you cannot make your partner be open to learning, if you open to learning yourself, you might discover the power you have to change your relationship.

When you move out of seeing yourself as a victim of your partner's behavior and into taking loving action on your own behalf, you may be surprised at the changes that occur in the relationship. Most conflict is stuck in power struggles that result from each person trying to control with some form blame, anger, resistance, withdrawal, or compliance. When you stop your end of the power struggle and start to take care of yourself, as well as open to learning with your partner, the possibility opens for great change to occur.

Love Life

Get Lucky In Your Love Life

we all need luck in relationship and romance. It could be for getting a lifetime soul mate or to strengthen you relationship with your current spouse.

According to Chinese Feng Shui, the romance corner is at the Southwest corner of your home and this corner belongs to the earth element. Therefore, placing earth element object such as crystals in this corner can enhance your romance luck. A solid rose quartz crystal ball is a good option since this stone (rose quartz) teaches us to love ourselves thus opening us to universal love. Another option is the clear quartz crystal ball, which is the natural crystal point. When combined with other stones, clear quartz is able to enhance the energy of other stones. Its transparent outlook fits easily as a decorating item into any living room.

Besides crystals, a pair of mandarin ducks can enhance the romance luck for the occupants of the house too (One is bad. Remember to get one pair!). If you don't want to go through the hassle of buying a pond and feeding the ducks, wood/bronze/jade/crystal carved statues or a painting of mandarin ducks will also do the trick. They are interesting home decor for your home. A painting of peonies (Chinese flowers than represents love) will bring the same effect too.

Don’t Avoid Conflict and Confrontation with Your Spouse things his way." "We're not very good at resolving problems, so I let it go." "I just hate confrontation!".

Listening, talking, communicating, resolving problems, making joint decisions... these are requirements for all couples. Without good communication skills and quality time dedicated to communicating, relationships soon flounder and fail, especially among couples with the stress of two careers and a full family life.

Many couples don't talk because they are avoiding conflict and confrontation. There is a common misconception that conflict and confrontation are bad. One of the major reasons couples have problems is their failure to confront issues head-on. They may fight openly or quietly seethe, but they have a terrible time confronting the real conflict respectfully and honestly. It's as if confrontation and conflict are impolite. However, conflict and confrontation are natural and healthy components of any relationship. You are neither bad nor wrong for causing a conflict or identifying one. Conflict is an opportunity to open up communication on a difficult subject.

Do not fear conflict and confrontation. Avoiding conflict is not the goal. Rather you want to develop the tools to "lean into" conflicts and resolve them early on, so that you can reorganize your lives to include the new learning. Because married couples have a lot at stake when it comes to their relationship, they are prone to avoid conflict or to use ineffective tools to solve the conflict too quickly. Compromising and acquiescing are two of these ineffective tools.

Most couples are shocked when I advise them to avoid compromises at all costs. After all, isn't compromise a requirement of partnership? The reality is that decisions that are arrived at through compromise usually lack creativity and seldom last. Sure, a compromise now and then may be necessary for the sake of expediency, but if a decision is important, a compromise may cause anger and resistance. Because compromises are usually a result of both people giving up something in order to get an agreement, the decision is a watered-down version of two stronger opinions.

Compromise is the easy way out when you are trying to avoid conflict and confrontation. It appears that the compromise will smooth ruffled feathers and that both partners can go away happy. What really happens, however, is that each partner leaves feeling as though they have been had? One person may resent having to compromise and will be looking for ammunition to prove that the decision was a bad one. Another person may feel he or she has done the honorable thing by not pushing his or her opinion on the other, only to feel unappreciated later when the compromise plan is dropped. If you stop and think about it, how long have your compromise decisions really lasted?

Acquiescing or forcing your opinion upon your partner is other ways of avoiding conflict. In seeking to avoid conflict, for example, a persuasive person may push his or her partner to acquiesce to a certain point of view, but this does not mean that the partner agrees. It may mean only that the partner actually does not want to fight and so appears to agree, when he or she has only given in. Don't make the mistake of pushing to win at all costs or to acquiescing to the persuader, when you don't agree. In either case, if you are the persuader or the acquiescent partner, the conflict has not been resolved and, what's worse may have been driven underground.

If you don't make time to talk, if you don't consider nurturing your personal relationship as important, and if you avoid healthy conflict and confrontation, your relationship will disintegrate. So take the time now to evaluate your communication skills. Invest in the time to develop a meaningful, loving relationship with your spouse.

Relationship Go From

When Relationships Go From Hot To Cold

We had been dating for 6 months. We shared the same interests, felt very at ease together, had (often) discussed future plans and had even spent some of the holidays together. Our relationship seemed right on track and just right in general.

Then, without warning, he said he "needs some time to think and figure things out." He stopped calling and rarely returned my calls. When he did, I was often met with silence on the other end of the line. When I asked "what happened", I just got a verbal run around of excuses about how busy he is and/or how much stress he is under right now.

What happened? What did I do? I don't know what to think.

Does the above scenario sound at all familiar? If so, you can relate to being confused and stunned over the sudden change in a boyfriend's/girlfriend's behavior.

Now think about this - What if your relationship wasn't what you thought it was? What if unspoken issues had existed all along? What if there were signs you chose to ignore or just didn't see? Are any of these possible?

Intimacy

Intimacy

Intimacy is the reward that is gained when a couple has successfully worked through the difficult last stage of negotiation. It is almost like a new coming together with much greater self (and other) awareness. This new information can work to solidify the union or give one of both individuals enough new information about the other to require a reassessment of their desire to remain together.

Each person looks at the other in their (naked) state and asks; "is this person I want to be with"? Here their individual differences are highlighted. The early romantic haze has cleared. What they have to offer to each other and to a future life together come into play.

This is a time when couples often begin to contemplate each other's attributes in a more practical way. They look at the other's strengths and weaknesses. They evaluate each other's potential as a future spouse, parent, provider, caregiver, partner, etc.

Relationships can be tested more during this time. Infidelity is one dysfunctional way that some individuals do this. Often, this leads to the end of the relationship.

When differences can be seen, aired and accepted, the couple has a good chance of moving on together from this place. Essentially, they have decided they want to be with the other, warts and all.

When the behavior of one or both partners changes, it is generally because they have made a conscious or unconscious decision regarding the wrongness of the other for them or for the type of relationship they seek.

Commitment

Commitment

This is the final stage of relationship building. Once individuals have reached this place, they are ready to cement their bond. While much growth and work will lay ahead in a future life together, they are ready to begin this life soon.

New challenges arise during each stage, and will happen here as well. However, if the couple has successfully worked through the previous stages, they should have many of the tools they need.

The external problems and pressures that come with life will test their resolve and commitment over the years. They may need to reassess, re-negotiate and renew their feelings and commitment. Fortunately, they will be in possession of the basic tools required.

If they choose well to begin with, they should be successful.

As you evaluate your failed relationship, note the stage you were in when the change occurred. Chances are that the necessary level of readiness and maturity was not present in one or both of you. Perhaps one of you decided that this is not the kind of partner or relationship I am seeking.

This new information and insight should help you to choose a future partner who is better suited to you and desirous of the same kind of relationship that you are.

Toni Coleman is a licensed therapist and relationship coach in private practice in McLean, Virginia. She specializes in working with singles who want to create lasting, intimate relationships. Toni has over 20 years of post-masters experience in relationship counseling and coaching with singles and couples. She is the founder and President of Life Change Coaching and Consume-mate Relationship Coaching. She developed and teaches the Creating Lasting Relationships Training, a tele-workshop designed to help singles to define, implement and fulfill their life and relationship goals. She has also written numerous email classes for singles on all aspects of meeting, dating and relating. She is the author of the email newsletter, The Art of Intimacy, which goes out to thousands of subscribers monthly.

Friend

A Friend in Need

A hardworking secretary, lent money to her good friend Ray; $1300 to be exact. Ray had just moved to a new town and claimed that he needed two new suits: one for an upcoming wedding and one to wear on job interviews. Ray lived in a beautiful penthouse. He had a degree in Computer Science and was accustomed to the finer things in life - designer labels, frequent travel, and spa week-ends. When Ray told Julie he would repay her and signed a paper promising to do so, Julie didn't think anything of it.

A couple of weeks later, Ray tried to hit Julie up for more money; this time to furnish his new home. When she told him that she wouldn't be able to help him out this time, he accused her of being cold and hung up the phone on her. Julie suddenly realized that she was being taken advantage of. Her hurt quickly turned to rage. She wanted to know how someone could be so self-serving and inconsiderate. If Julie had been weak enough to lend Ray another several hundred dollars for furniture, how could he sleep at night knowing that she had expenses of her own to look after?

We as women have an innate desire to nurture whenever possible. Many of us have learned the hard way we must always keep our guard up - spot when we may be being misled or taken advantage of. It is a common belief that a woman who is eager to lend money to a man, suffers from naivety, desperation, or poor self-esteem. But in this case it was a loan not a gift, and a friendship not a romantic relationship.

We all know how risky it is to lend money to a friend of either sex. Some of us decide to give the lender the benefit of the doubt because we think we know and trust them. Some of us are vigilant enough to take precautions to make the loan legally binding. The bottom line is that we need to stop stereo-typing and pointing fingers at a woman who would lend a man money. We need to take a closer look at the character of anyone who would try to take advantage of a friend's generosity.

Along with her respect for him, Julie also lost all compassion for Ray and their so-called friendship deteriorated? The fact of the matter is that no one can respect a man who fails to respect others. When he performs actions that are self-serving and manipulative, his sincerity, his honor, his integrity, are all called into question.

They say:

It's not what we eat but what we digest that makes us strong; not what we gain but what we save that makes us rich; not what we read but what we remember that makes us learned; and not what we profess but what we practice that gives us integrity.

Why Doesn’t She Leave Him?

It's very easy to look, from the outside, at another woman's unhappy relationship and ask: 'Why on earth does she stay with him?’ It’s especially easy if the man in question exhibits the subtle charm of Attila the Hun - or the social graces of Fat Based in Austin Powers. Some abusive men parade their hostility and prejudices as proudly as if they were merits.

Change A Loved Once

How To Change A Loved Ones Annoying Habits

Is there someone close to you who has an annoying habit you want changed? Perhaps a partner’s was controlling streak, a family member's back seat driving, or a friend's incessant unsolicited advice. If this has become a source of conflict in your relationship and you have tried everything you know, without success, to change them, why keep trying everything you know? Insanity is repeating the same thing over and over again expecting different results.

you who has an annoying habit you want changed? Perhaps a partner’s was controlling streak, a family member's back seat driving, or a friend's incessant unsolicited advice.

If this has become a source of conflict in your relationship and you have tried everything you know, without success, to change them, why keep trying everything you know?

Insanity is repeating the same thing over and over again expecting different results.

For different results, take different actions.

• Instead of reacting and allowing those annoying habits to push your same buttons, try surrendering to them. Instead of trying to change them, try accepting them.
• When you let go of your need to change someone, you also release your grip on them to be who they are, as they are. When you resist something, it only gains more power. Resisting a loved one's annoying habit will only create the energy for them to do it more.

This neither helps you nor them, but only feeds into the endless cycle.

The next time you are faced with their annoying habit, take a deep breath and recognize it as an opportunity to practice acceptance, patience and unconditional love. The only way to strengthen these qualities within us is to put them into daily practice until they become a part of us. What a wonderful opportunity you have been given, then!

It is a chance for you to raise and shine. It is a chance for you to be that better person, the person you want to be and know you already are deep down, the person with integrity, character, compassion and wisdom.

When our buttons are pushed, we often react from conditioned responses, from habitual patterns we may not be conscious of initially. And before we know it, we're in the middle of a full-out argument with our loved one and exchanging heated words and negative energy.

We need something to help remind us of the newfound opportunity so that we may view it with different eyes, instead of catapult us back into our habitual patterns of resistance, frustration, annoyance and resentment.

Training ourselves to take a deep breath at the instance of resistance serves a dual purpose. One, it helps us to slow down, to act instead of react, and serves as a reminder to look at the bigger picture. And two, it delivers more oxygen into our brain which helps to give us mental clarity and calm.

While it may be difficult in the moment to be thankful to the person pushing your buttons, and you may initially find yourself doing it through gritted teeth, it is helpful to remember that you are in control of your buttons. You are the one allowing them to be pushed or not.

Getting annoyed at something another person does have absolutely nothing to do with the other person or their actions. This is so vital, it merits repeating.

Getting annoyed at something another person does have absolutely nothing to do with the other person or their actions.

Infidelity

Essence of Infidelity

On one very popular web site there were 260 posts from both sexes commenting about forgiving and forgetting infidelities. I read every one of them. With one exception, the perception conveyed was that one party was an innocent victim of the other's philandering. It seemed to me that everyone was looking at adultery as a cause of marital discord. From my perspective, there are only rare exceptions to the fact that adultery, cheating, or affairs are SYMPTOMS of long standing marital problems. The cause occurred possibly even before the marriage vows were uttered.

Let's go back to the beginning of a relationship. What really happens before two people decide to get married? They have been dating and checking each other out. You all know that women do the choosing. Men respond to a woman's signals and a relationship moves forward at a pace governed by the woman's appetite. So how does a couple who is totally in love and committed to each other end up in the predicament dictated by an affair?

I think the predicament results from the general consensus of opinions and expectations generated by a marriage. In all of the posts that I read it seemed that "being married" automatically presupposed that fidelity is the most precious aspect of the marriage. It appears that everything that could go wrong would be tolerated, everything except infidelity. I do not support tolerating infidelity. What I'm wondering is what are the reasons that people actually get married? Do they get married because they are in love? Want to have sex? Want exclusivity? Want emotional, financial, sexual security? Want to have children? It seems like the thing to do? Or do they get married because they have found someone with whom they are career compatible, financially balanced, sexually attracted, intellectually well-matched, culturally congenial, religiously aligned, madly in love, with whom they want to procreate and raise children according to mutually agreeable standards? Do all people get married for the same reasons? I don't think so.

I believe that some people get married for love, some for lust, some for status, some for money, some for security, some for convenience, some to have children, some looking for parental guidance, some for business reasons etc. etc. And if that is true, why is it that everyone who gets married expects adherence to the same standards as far as fidelity is concerned? The expectation seems to be that everyone gets married for passionate, romantic love and fidelity is the highest value of marriage.

I don't presume to have all the answers, but possibly some suggestions as to the seeds of infidelity. Let's start with a couple who declare that they are in love and want to commit to each other. They are starry eyed and the state of "in love" creates a certain blindness and denial especially when this person seems to be almost perfectly aligned with the important values you have designated to be essential in the person you are going to marry. So this person lies to you about something or breaks a promise to you, or does something that totally violates your ethics, but you love him/her and he/she is so perfect otherwise. It's just a small thing and you can certainly tolerate a little thing like that. After all, you are getting married and that means you can work it out. Love conquers all. Here is the problem. Love doesn't solve anything. People come to agreement or negotiate boundaries and decide to be together because they want to be together. They choose marriage. I think the rules of marriage and the boundaries that each couple wants to live by must be negotiated. Obviously each and every scenario cannot be discussed ahead of time, but the individual standards of each partner in each marriage must be decided prior to the vows. When a woman/man settles (that includes compromises, tolerates, sells out) on a value that is significant to her/him, the bond is compromised. It makes it okay to do it again, whatever "it" is.

According to the Man/Woman Strategy that I subscribe to, women have the power in relationship and their job is to provide appetite, which challenges the man who loves her to produce results. The man who wants to please his woman will produce those results as long as she believes in him and respects him as the producer. The other component in this neat little package is the sex. Men will do anything for sex. Women love sex as much as men do; it's just not socially acceptable for them to say so. Men get their pleasure from a woman's pleasure and "most women lie to men about their satisfaction" which leads to the giant gap in the presumption that marriage presumes passionate, romantic love and fidelity are the highest values. Women on the whole are not able to maintain the level of energy and self esteem necessary to always validate for a man what sexually satisfies her. Thus the communication regarding sex gets distorted. Men, unless someone instructs them, can not be expected to know what areas of a woman's body are responsive to erotic touch. It's different for every woman (man too). So here's what happens. Women get pregnant. Pregnancy creates enormous changes in a woman's body and physiology, which at times do not make sex appealing. Women become mothers. Parenting, especially mothering is a 24-hour job, which includes massive sleep deprivation, and instincts, which consume even the most, prepared. Generally, both men and women have jobs, which consume time and energy. Women also feel responsible for the upkeep of the home. Not that men do not, but somehow for a woman five million years of homemaking has become instinctual. So what does this entire story mean? It means life gets in the way of relationship and unless some time and energy is devoted to the relationship as an entity, that state of "in love" that everyone marries into will disintegrate.

There are exceptions, but generally speaking most people do not intend to cheat on their spouse after the wedding nor do they intentionally pursue an affair. So here is how an affair begins. One or the other partner is not getting his/her needs met for whatever reasons. That person encounters someone at work, or at a party, or in the neighborhood, who notices him/her and sees something that attracts. There is nothing like a flirtation to restore a sense of self-esteem. Initially, the married person resists but enjoys the attention. That person then goes home to his/her spouse and hints that he/she needs more attention. The spouse at home who assumes that because they are married, everything is great and there is always time for taking care of the spouse later, ignores the hint That, my friends, is the beginning of the affair. When one partner seeks emotional or physical or intellectual support from someone of the opposite sex outside of the marriage, the seeds have been sown.

The marriage is taken for granted. The almighty wedding ring is supposed to be able to bind people to their vows automatically. This is the false presumption that leads us to the incorrigible statistic that 80% of marriages are affected by infidelity. Marriage doesn't work by itself. It takes two people who pay attention to each other's needs. It takes two people who believe in each other and validate each other. It takes two people who want to love each other and who continually approve of each other which allow the vulnerability necessary to be honest about their personal needs.

What should be done about reversing this destructive trend? Marriage encounters? Premarital counseling? Relationship coaching? Pre-marital coaching would be best. Determine if the person you are marrying meets your standards and that you are not just settling because he/she is almost what you want and you might not find anyone better. Second best would be to stop an affair before it happens. This could be accomplished by paying attention to your relationship and not taking anything for granted. Decreasing the number of affairs would probably make a difference in the divorce rate. Preventative would seem to be preferable, but some people need to get hit by a board before they wake up and realize they are in jeopardy.
"I help people who want sacred intimacy in a hot relationship, get what they want from each other so that they can experience more fun, more sex and less bickering!"

Love Poem

The Flames of Love

Good job, good health, good reputation, good relationships and lot of money to spend. But still there is something missing from your life. Guess what? The LOVE. It is not something which you should ignore. Life without love is just like body without soul.

Love gives meaning to life as without love life is meaningless. Lucky is the person who gets love and keeps the flames of love burning for ever. It is not a matter of days or months. Love is for life and life is for love.

Short term love encounters are not helpful at all. Be sincere with your body and soul. Indulge in serious life long loving relationship and live a healthy, happy and joyful life.

It is easy to fell in love but difficult to keep the flames of love burning. Before indulging in serious long term love relationships be sure that the person you love is also sincere with you. A selfish person can make your life miserable. If this is the case with you then try to get rid of that person as soon as possible.

Most people do not give importance to their love life as they give importance to their professional life. In most cases, people sacrifice their love life at the cost of their profession. This is a bad choice which ruins the whole life. A sensible balance between the two is necessary in order to enjoy life in its entirety. Do not deprive yourself of the love you need.

People part their ways after living together for years and years. Though this looks strange but is the obvious result of ignoring the genuine complaints and grievances of the other. Sometimes a sincere apology, gentle touch, or a friendly kiss is enough to put your love life on track. However, when deep differences develop between the two then professional consultation is necessary. Do everything to bring back love to your life, if it is lost.

In order to make the journey of life more exciting and enjoyable, you need a loving and caring person with whom you can share your values, dreams, fantasies, joys and jokes. In difficult times of anxiety, sorrow, distress or loss of near and dear ones this person should stand firm besides you and console you in every possible manner.

Love your life and love the person who is in your life. Keep the flames of love burning to live a great, great love life?

Discuss this article with your loved one and carefully listen what he/she says. This can give you a clue of his/her inner sentiments and the depth of love for you. Also avail this opportunity to renew your love life with a new passion and commitment